


Something the Cat Dragged In

by Relia



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:19:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22340179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Relia/pseuds/Relia
Summary: The Archivist and Tim fend off a wild beast attack while reorganizing the Archives -- or, at least, that's probably one of the versions of it that Tim's going to tell at the water cooler, later.Season 1 Interlude.My script entry for the TMA Fluff Competition.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 88
Collections: The Fluff Archives





	Something the Cat Dragged In

[CLICK]

[Sounds of papers being rifled and boxes being moved around. We are in the Archivist’s Office, and some sort of manual labor is occurring. The Archivist flips through a folder.]

**ARCHIVIST**

[to himself] Oh, this isn’t — hmm. [louder] Tim?

**TIM**

[from a slight distance] Yeah?

**ARCHIVIST**

Have you seen the Rowlands file? Dennis Rowlands, I think it was? We looked at it half an hour ago, and I don’t see it amongst the 2013s. I found some . . . napkin drawings, and I think they’re meant to go with it.

**TIM**

[closer, having returned from moving boxes elsewhere in the room] That the one with the toilet to nowhere?

**ARCHIVIST**

The  **endless** toilet.

**TIM**

Right, how could I forget? [dramatically] Toilet Bowl of the Abyss. The Long, Dark Night of the Stool.

**ARCHIVIST**

[tempted in spite of himself] The flush that echoed into eternity. Anyway, have you seen the file? I thought it was 2013.

**TIM**

Oh, yeah, I put that one around the corner, in Psychotropic Misadventure.

**ARCHIVIST**

. . . in what?

**TIM**

Psychotropic Misadventure. That’s what I’m calling it, anyway. You know, all the ones that start off with, “I know what you’re going to think, on account of the massive amounts of LSD I was on, but I know what I saw . . .?” I just thought we ought to have a sort of a slush pile. For those days when, you know, it’s 3:00 on a Friday and you don’t  **really** want to start anything new . . . 

**ARCHIVIST**

. . . I thought we agreed we were going to order everything chronologically.

**TIM**

Look, I know — it’s just, I still don’t think it’s any  **use** , putting the entire archive into basically just a big timeline. I’ve been talking to some of the students that come in here asking for stuff, and nobody really wants to know, “Was ‘94 a good year for spooks?” They want to know how many times people say they got stuck in Jumanji. I made a list of some basic topics — 

[A noise from somewhere nearby: a loud scuffling, like several items have fallen loose from a shelf.]

**ARCHIVIST**

What was that?

**TIM**

Revenge of the Loo?

**ARCHIVIST**

Be serious. Your  **slush pile** ’s probably fallen over. Most of the statements could go in there, honestly. 

[They investigate. More sounds of paper being rumpled/items being knocked around, followed by a very unpleasant hiss.]

**TIM**

Is that . . .

**ARCHIVIST**

. . . a cat?

**TIM**

[not convinced] . . . I want to say . . . a chupacabra?

**ARCHIVIST**

**Tim** .

**TIM**

Sorry. The Jabberwocky, maybe?

**ARCHIVIST**

**Tim** . It’s just a stray. It’s probably been on its own a while.

**TIM**

What, since Biblical times?

**ARCHIVIST**

Since whenever its owner disappeared. Poor thing. [gentler, in a sweet voice reserved only for every single cat:] Hello, there. It’s alright, we’re friends. You’re a good kitty, aren’t you? Here, you can sniff my hand — 

[A loud hiss and the thwap of a paw; the Archivist recoils in sudden, brief pain. Whoops.]

**TIM**

Christ! Are you okay?

**ARCHIVIST**

I’m fine. [defensively] It didn’t mean to. It’s just scared.

**TIM**

[dryly] I’m prepared to believe  **one** of those statements. I’m scared too. Of tetanus.

**ARCHIVIST**

Come here, kitty. It’s okay.

**TIM**

Want me to call Elias? We’ll probably have to ring up the RSPCA or something.

**ARCHIVIST**

[already attached to the cat, reluctant:] I suppose you’d better. Let me know what he says.

[We follow Tim as he crosses into another part of the room with a phone. Throughout the first half of the following exchange, distant sounds of the Archivist’s interactions with the cat can be heard in the background. We hear occasional muffled scuffling, a few unsteady yelps from the Archivist, and uncertain hisses from the cat, followed after by a period of surprising silence.]

_ ARCHIVIST [background] _

_ Alright, let’s try this again. Easy does it . . . aren’t you pretty? Yes, you are. You just need someone to love you. _

[Tim dials Elias’s extension.]

**ELIAS**

Hello.

**TIM**

Hey, Elias.

**ELIAS**

Oh, hello, Tim. What can I help you with?

**TIM**

Well — have you ever pictured what it would be like if Leo Tolstoy were a prehistoric cat . . . and that cat fell into a mud pit . . . and then it was frozen in ice for a thousand years? And then the ice thawed out, and it got into a fight with another, uglier cat . . . and then got run over by a car, and then taxidermied back together . . . and then it was forced to watch ‘From Justin to Kelly’ about a dozen times, until its soul left its body . . . and then that woman who did the amateur restoration of that fresco of Jesus tried to paint a picture of that cat?

**ELIAS**

[Affably pleasant; Elias is clearly used to Tim’s Timness:] No, I can’t say I have.

**TIM**

Well, then you’re in for a treat, because the cat babadook is definitely in our Archive right now.

**ELIAS**

I see. Dare I ask what it’s doing there?

**TIM**

I mean, I’m no expert, but I think it was krav maga. John got the brunt of it.

**ELIAS**

. . . Right. Well. See if you can catch it without touching it. We don’t want anyone getting seriously hurt. I’ll call the local authorities.

**TIM**

Thanks, boss. We’ll handle Really Old Deuteronomy.

**ELIAS**

I’ll keep you updated.

[Elias hangs up. Tim returns to where the Archivist and the cat have now been suspiciously quiet for the last few moments. As we get closer, we begin to hear the cat purring.]

**TIM**

. . . Wow. Hunh.

**ARCHIVIST**

[in a low, don’t-scare-the-baby voice:] Cats just want to feel safe with someone. It was probably exhausted after being on its own for so long. It just wanted to trust someone.

**TIM**

[The cat’s not so bad now that it’s no longer trying to maim anyone, and Tim is clearly not immune to the charms of a small, down-on-its-luck animal either. His tone softens to match the Archivist’s.]

Guess so. . . . is that your jumper?

**ARCHIVIST**

A cat can be very particular about the quality of the lap they sit in. They like a soft place.

**TIM**

[chuckling] Yeah, and I bet the sandwich doesn’t hurt either. . . . [A beat.] Wait — is that  **my** sandwich?!

**ARCHIVIST**

[guilty as charged:] Well, I couldn’t offer it mine — it’s just peanut butter and jelly.

**TIM**

[A long, indrawn breath as Tim decides whether or not to pretend to be affronted by this sandwich theft. After a moment, he lets out the breath again, having made peace with the situation. He addresses the cat directly this time:] Yes, well, it’s good to have something nice for once after you’ve had a rough go of it, isn’t it, kitty? [fondly] You eat up — I wanted curry today anyway.

**ARCHIVIST**

I’ll buy you lunch later.

**TIM**

[pleased] Damn right you will.

**ARCHIVIST**

How do you think it got in here? Do you . . . do you suppose this could've been Gertrude Robinson's cat?

**TIM**

I mean . . . do I think Gertrude Robinson kept the Hunch-cat of Notre Dame as an office pet, which no one ever saw or commented on? In the same office where every sink has five different signs next to it reminding you to wash your hands before returning to work because of the delicacy of our historical documents? I just feel like it would’ve come up in conversation.

**ARCHIVIST**

You’re probably right. I don’t suppose we’ll ever know how it found its way in here. Still — it’ll be a shame to see it go.

**TIM**

It  **is** pretty cute, under all the lumpy bits.

**ARCHIVIST**

[daring to dream:] I could always — 

[A door opens.]

**ELIAS**

Oh, hello, John. I see you’ve managed the cat. I’ve brought a box — the RSPCA are in the front office, waiting.

**ARCHIVIST**

Right. Well. That’s . . . good that they were so prompt. It’s probably best we get back to organising things in here. I guess this is it, then.

**TIM**

[also a little reluctant, but doing better at not showing it] Well, buddy, you’re probably off to a lovely bath and a nice shave. And just when we were getting to know you, too.

[The Archivist lifts the cat into the box, jumper-bedding and all. The cat lets out a slight grumble at being disturbed from where it had gotten comfortable.]

**ARCHIVIST**

There’s a good kitty. The nice people outside are going to take care of you. Go on, find someone who loves you and have a good life.

**TIM**

Give ‘em hell, kitty.

**ELIAS**

Thank you both for taking care of this little situation. I’ll take the cat upstairs and let you get back to your organising. Keep up the good work.

[The door closes.

We follow Elias’s footsteps down the hall and through another door. We hear the box being set down. Elias picks up his phone and dials.]

**ELIAS**

Rosie, will you print me a shipping label, please? I need to send a package to the Lukas Foundation. Care of Peter Lukas.

[fin]

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Don't worry, no harm will come to the cat as a result of being sent to Peter, who will mainly just be annoyed.


End file.
